No matter how old you are, having difficult conversations with your parents will always be…well difficult. This is especially true when speaking about retirement living and long-term care. Too often, families avoid having this conversation because it is uncomfortable, or they don’t want to upset their parents or they themselves don’t have the answers and don’t know where to start. The good news is that there have never been more opportunities in senior living to find the right community or level of care to best meet their needs.
Too often families avoid planning until a crisis hits and more often than not, it is too late and choices/options can be very limited. Below are some thoughtful questions that can guide you in having this conversation so that you are prepared.
Ask about Preferences First
For most of us it is tempting when starting this conversation to show off all the research we have done. We want to jump in with logistics such as pricing, location, amenities and levels of care. However, for many that can be overwhelming and that information overload could cause someone to shut down before the conversation even begins.
Ask: “If there comes a time where you couldn’t live on your own or take care of the house anymore, what would you want? What does that look like to you?”
By phrasing it this way you are showing respect for their independence and giving them the opportunity to have real input into this decision.
Don’t Ask: “Have you thought about what assisted living or nursing home you want to go to when you can’t stay in the house or take care of yourself anymore?”
This phrasing implies that not only do you expect there will be a time that they can no longer take care of themselves but also that the decision has already been made for them. It can make people defensive and shut the conversation down before it even begins.
Focus on Caregiving, Not the Ending
Hard conversations get easier when they are not framed around loss or the negative. Keep it positive and it can help make it less scary.
Ask: “If there comes a time when one of you needs some extra help or care and the other one doesn’t, what does that look like? How would you go about addressing that need?”
This is a calm and practical way to start a conversation about what could be a real scenario in the future.
Don’t Ask: “What’s your plan if one of you dies or needs more care than the other one can provide?”
This harsh phrasing comes across as cold and final and will most likely stop the conversation before it ever gets going.
Start With What is Already in Place
Most people have not finished or even made significant progress toward their estate planning or decisions regarding retirement living or long-term care. Understanding that your parents are not alone if they haven’t done those things can help guide this conversation.
Ask: “What do you already have in place? Let’s talk about that first and then we can work from there.”
This acknowledges that you recognize and value the steps they have already taken and opens the door to discuss the next steps.
Don’t Ask: “Why don’t you have your Will and Power of Attorney documents in place?”
This can feel accusatory or make them feel scolded for not having done something and can cause them to shut down.
Ask About Their Fears, Not Conditions
For many being diagnosed with dementia or other serious condition can feel uncomfortable having to tell others. They are afraid of being treated differently or maybe they don’t have answers and often do not know what comes next. Asking about their thoughts and their fears and not focusing on their specific diagnosis can help you understand what really matters to them.
Ask: “What worries you the most about getting older? Are there specific concerns you would like to talk about?”
It shows you care about their experience and their feelings and not just creating a plan for what comes next.
Don’t Ask: “At your age aren’t you scared about getting dementia?”
This is too clinical and too specific. Also, maybe they haven’t ever thought about getting dementia and you asking this type of question could now cause them to think about it and cause additional stress or worry.
Invite Support, Don’t Assign Blame
Conversations regarding retirement living and long-term care can get very complicated and technical. It can also be very overwhelming. Seeking out a senior living professional who can answer your questions and walk you through the process can help take the pressure off both you and your parents.
Ask: “Would it help if we schedule a time to talk to someone about Retirement Living or to walk us through the various levels of care and options?”
This invites a professional who can guide both you and your parents through the process, discuss next steps, various wait list options and how to determine which community might be the right fit.
Don’t Ask: “We really need to talk to someone about this! This should have been done already.”
This phrasing assigns blame and can make them feel guilty or put them on the spot for not being more prepared.
Just Start the Conversation
It is ok to not have all the information or answers…spoiler alert: you won’t! The information in this blog is meant to help ease you into starting this conversation. As you read through try to focus on one or two questions that you think might be important to start with based on their situation. As the conversation progresses many families find it helpful to speak with a neutral third-party professional who can better guide the conversation and answer all the questions from the tough and technical to the funny and whimsical.
Whether that is guiding you through the process, discussing wait list options, explaining our Thrive Where You Are® culture or our innovative dual licensure for Independent Living and Personal Care: here at Homestead Village our Marketing team is here to assist you and your family in any way that we can.
Remember that the best plans aren’t made during times of crisis! They are made in advance, over time with care, compassion and understanding.